la palabra precisa

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*general frustration*
.
.
.

V_V

i seem to be experiencing the opposite of everyone. so i wonder, do i bring this upon myself? i was very much looking forward to this week, and it disappointed me in almost every possible way.

i've had this horrible ongoing headache where my brain throbs and my vision goes foggy. yesterday, my iPod was stolen. my mom wants to move out over spring break. i only went to swim practice once this week. i waste time. i sleep only to slow my brain. i write down everything i can remember, which i think is becoming a hindrance.

and really. there are just things about myself i despise. most of all, i am a nasty hypocrite. i see myself in other people, traits too familiar to ignore, and i let them bother me. these things should not bother me.

i don't ever feeling like i'm working hard enough. i don't feel beautiful. i want this to go away.

writing a peer recc is tough shit.

i am sitting in my yellow and pink fuzzy monkey pajamas and dark blue hippie flower power socks. there's a scrunchie holding up my ponytail. i only wear srunchies at home.

tonight is new year's and my heart is already pounding.

i contemplate the senior commons, the locker bay, the curve of the music building hallway and that gallery of portraits dotting its walls.


what do people really think of me? what don't they say?

my ears perk up at every mention of New York.


i miss real people.

merry christmas. :]

i am so grateful to have you all as friends. and i hope you have a wonderful day, celebrating, sharing, doing whatever it is you do with your families on this lovely day.

i'm not very proud of myself for the effort i put into my exams. i know it's bad that i'm already regretting it, but i am. physics was beyond brutal.

and now school is done. no more friendly faces in the hallways. no more after lunch escapades. no more doodling in humanities class. i hope second semester is far and away the best semester at Academy.

i've had trouble being optimistic lately. see, i usually am. i've spent years working at believing in the power of positive thought. i know it works. but when it comes to subjects i can't wrap my head around (calc, physics) . . . —

i'll stop now.



god. why do i even post here anymore?

more time to do exactly what i don't want to do.

YEH-YUH.

god. i really hope i have what it takes to audition for music school in less than two weeks. that's all i can think about. i go straight from Barnard excitement to this nervous wreck. i'm scared. but i guess it's a good sign i'm fearful? i don't know. i don't know.

I'M IN!

AHHH!!!!!

I'M GOING TO BARNARD IN NEW YORK!!

^__________^

i have nothing to say. so i thought i'd post some of my favorite post secrets over the past few months.

writer's workshop will be meeting this wednesday after school (4 till whenever).

if you don't feel like sharing this week, come anyway.
we'll rant and stress about life and school and boys together.

and if anybody feels like bringing treats, that would be awesome.

so i got my wisdom teeth out. and i can talk so i think it went very smoothly. there's just a little pain when opening my jaw. i think that's a good sign.

i can't believe i left school early. now this break seems obscenely long.

how is everyone?

i want in on this.



credit killing_truth

i'm such a spaz. nobody comments anymore. i wait patiently to see if anybody will update. i read old issues of the New York Times Magazine. i pace around my house in pink plaid pajama pants, a navy Cornell t-shirt, a Harvard hoodie, and black & grey striped socks. i don't know what to do with myself because, like kelsey so accurately put last night, there's nothing left to panic about.

i need to take more pictures. i'm going to devote this week to taking fall pictures. people, get ready to model. make everyday a fashion day and go wild.

i want to go traveling. when can we go camping? would thanksgiving break work at all? even just for a hike?

murfle.

i'm such a spaz. i bite my lip just to taste the blood.

oh and! Twilight comes out friday. anyone interested?

ask me anything you'd like. first thing that comes to your head. just dooo ittt~

is everybody feeling as out of body as i am?
(does everybody annoy themselves as much as i annoy myself?)

i feel the need to apologize.
if i've been at all snappy or haughty with you,
if i've ignored you or run off in a huff,
if i've downplayed any of your frustrations...
i'm sorry.

i'm in a fragile state right now and this is my way of rebelling against it. i think i've been afraid to reach out and ask for some support lately because i feel like this is just something i have to do alone. but i think i just realized it doesn't have to be.


love—

mondays are a horrid start to my week. always.

PHYSICS AND CALC CAN SUCK MY BALLS.
i am so sick of trying to follow lectures and not getting it.
the homework tirade never stops in those classes.
english, hums.. we calls those classes HUMANE.

i want my life to move on but i still have to wait 2 weeks.

my entire body is in pain and if only i knew why, i could fix my broken pieces. this is not to say that i, myself, am broken. every day is precious to me and every person i know is beautiful in their many forms, unbeknownst to them.

i wonder where i'll emerge after the 15th, after this early app deadline, after this competition. ay, dios.

- - -

http://xkcd.com/77/

because i love you)last night

because i love you)last night

clothed in sealace
appeared to me
your mind drifting
with chuckling rubbish
of pearl weed coral and stones;

lifted,and(before my
eyes sinking)inward,fled;softly
your face smile breasts gargled
by death:drowned only

again carefully through deepness to rise
these your wrists
thighs feet hands

poising
to again utterly disappear;
rushing gently swiftly creeping
through my dreams last
night,all of your
body with its spirit floated
(clothed only in

the tide's acute weaving murmur

-- E. E. Cummings

after midnight? that must mean it's halloween.

today has been odd. i woke up realizing that i had accomplished none of my work and in the slight attempt to get up at 6, i got to school with just enough time to do my Hamlet and Nietzsche at the start of music theory. this bothered me some because i did no work intentionally last night knowing that neither of those two assignments would really matter and yet, i could hardly bring myself to continue my day without feeling the slightest bit prepared.

in physics, i groaned and asked myself again: why am i taking this ridiculous class?

in Hums large group, i wrote in tiny blue ball-pointed lines in my moleskine. the id, the superego, the subconscious. i am a fucking hypocrite. analyze me.

4th, i retook my school pictures. that took most of the period. 5 teachers cut to the front of the line, no joke.

lunch, a wasp chased julia & paula around the hillside in search of syrup and honey.

the rest of the day kind of just dwindled out. then i got home and listened to Mozart and lost myself to photography for hours. deviantArt, flickr, my own iPhoto library. congratulations, me. i could have been practicing, working on my apps, reading for Hums, but instead i go and get inspired by tinted photography and wholesome music sin letras.

my back is killing me from sitting at my laptop for five hours.

(this entry is pointless. i just felt like updating you on the mundane. woop woop.)

Nietzsche and Mozart have ruined me.
all i can see is the beauty of this world
and all i can ever hope to accomplish
is to appreciate their language.

i had a lesson with a 98 year old man today.

his house smelled like cigars and old books.
i opened the music that spilled all over his piano,
his fading and yellowed copies of Debussy and Chopin.
his transcription of Pavanne for a Dead Princess
for four hands, back when music cost 70 cents.

something within me has shifted.

i just want to do is sit at the piano
and seep into that other self,
the one that is possessed by
tiny black notes suspended between the lines.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go.

what does it mean to be beautiful?
skirt and heels i feel like a woman

writing should be that. painstaking
you look at me crazy
and i feel alive

he grabs my finger
says sign up on the poster
nice pants

invigorating not quite sane
somebody is maneuvering me
and i feel unreal

i hate stressing out. i hate panicking. i hate feeling guilty.

but i'm really fucking good at it.

i'm sitting at my math tutor's table and listen to this silly logic. i am so concerned that i haven't been spending my time wisely, that i can't even focus on what she's telling me. i guess outloud and my answers are completely uneducated. i just don't care anymore. i should understand that in 3 weeks, i will retake the ACT and that will determine too much of what schools i can apply to. why can't i take that seriously?

i contradict myself. one minute, i tell myself that i deserve a break but about 45 minutes in that break, i start beating myself up for giving myself that break. vicious vicious cycle.

writing is really hard when you try and avoid stereotypes. so maybe they glide right over your reader's head, but at least they're something common and identifiable?

why am i so hungry all the time lately? i keep eating and not feeling full.

my wrist snaps every time i jerk it. it throws me off.

did i really need to dye my eyebrows too? DID I?!

senior year is go go go go go go go. go. keep going. go faster! O_O

you
freaking out about college isn't going to help
me
get into it.

so i need you to stop being so goddamn passive aggressive
screaming at me about lawn mowers and movie rentals,
responsibilities and family harmony,
and recognize that i have to do this on my own.

i chose my school,
i've chosen to do early decision.

now get off my fucking back and realize
that even though i slept in until 10,
i still have my morals and my sensibility,
my goals, and my will to succeed.